i just got a new laptop, its really badass. Im moving to Paris in a week, by myself. if you knew me youd know this is my dream. im not obsessed with Paris, just the fact that this is my path, to leave and travel and explore im starting with Paris.. dream come true? then why am i crying, why i am so hurt still. i have all of this ahead of me, and im not even excited.. i bet if someone gave me a billion dollars ill still be crying. because the one thing that i really wanted, i didn’t fight hard enough for. or the one thing i wanted, did not want me, not in my control. and i dont know what to do. im still so hurt, its over and done with right? i dont understand. do i tell you, or do i not. if i told you it would just be for me to get it off my chest. but i cant stand to get rejected again, i dont want to lose you as my friend again, and maybe i just dont want to accept that you might actually be a bad person, maybe your character will show that i dont want to see, and maybe you wont ever talk to me ever again, i just dont want to accept it happening, but i know its a possibility. it really is tearing me up inside. i mean i would have told you if i knew 11 months from then that id still be feeling the same way. but seriously, i dont like people for that long i really really really dont. it may last for 2 weeks, tops 3 months. so i didn;’t see the point. so the first month was like ya okay whatever, this will pass, and then the second month and then when it was like 6 months i was like not this is not right, this shouldn’t be happening i dont do this, this doesn’t happen to me, why havn’t the feeling gone away? i dont understand what it is, i probably will never.. hannah says you fucked me over twice already, and i started to say “no….” and she flipped out, i was defending you again. after all this, after all the pain i seriously went through…… am i retarded? you fucked me over as a friend. severely. i thought being friends with you would make everything better, it seems it made it a little better, just knowing i can talk to you. but seriously, fucking seriously, im moving to Paris, what the fuck am i doing..
there was never a proper time to tell you. this whole year would have been bad timing. i mean if you weren’t dating her, you started to like her, and if it wasn’t her, it was someone else, and if it was them etc…… and that period of time when you didn’t like someone, you definitely stopped being my friend, so i never got the chance, and now theres 7 days left, and now you like her and she likes you. if i ever tell you now, its just to say that i did tell you eventually, like i said i would. just to keep my word. you asked, you should except every possible answer.
also, i never did tell you. because i knew feelings like that for me, faded so fastly, but friendship (so i had thought) doesn’t. and i mean real friendship, which i thought we had. i thought i made it clear. I would not be putting myself through all of this shit if i genuinely didn’t care about you. i care about our friendship more than i care about liking you. i wish i didn’t like you, because there is no chance, and i know that…… you really do mean a lot to me, even if i do stop liking you, i wont stop loving you, because seriously i do consider you one out of my 3 closest friends.
all of this i cant tell you, youll never understand, i wont explain it well, it would just be weird and uncomfortable. i dont know you would do.
OH AND YOU KNOW WHAT SUCKS, IS THAT YOU NEVER GAVE A FUCKING SHIT ABOUT ME, NEVER EVER GAVE A SHIT ABOUT, you lied to me, i never meant anything to you, what so ever. i realized that today.i read your formspring, and you said that you tried so hard to talk to this one girl that you did something stupid to and she wont talk to you, and that she meant so much to you. if i even meant a sliver of what she meant to you, you would have tried to talk to me after you fucked up, but you didnt you never fucking did, i was the one. and i said if i never did this we probably wouldn’t have spoken to eachother. and you agreed you fucking agreed. if you could go on being ssuperrrrr happy and all is good and all is right, knowing…….. i hate that, that really really hurts, to know that you could care lesss about me. and i care so much about you. its not fair. and i dont know what to do. .i really dont. i cant help how i feel. i cant. it really sucks,
and you wont ever know.
and thats the way it will be.
i guess thats the way it has to be.
